Ultimate springtime golf fitness tips for "real" golfers

By Tim McDonald,
National Golf Editor

For those of you unfortunate enough to live in the North, you must be salivating at the thought of the spring golf season.

Hold on, Tiger. You ain't the man you used to be. You can't just jump up and go straight to the golf course after a long winter of sloth and mold.

Now, you will find any number of charlatans willing to sell you their total golf fitness regimens. These sleazoids always assume you're a golfer interested in a cleaner, healthier way of living and golfing. I've seen you out on the course, and I know that's not the sort of thing you're "into."

So here is my total golf fitness regimen for the "real" golfer:

• For God's sake, you have to strengthen your core! This involves eating really hard food, like jawbreakers. Eat a bag of those and have your neighbor punch you in the gut to see if your core is all it can be.

Options: Month-old fudge, Purina Dog Chow, pine bark.

• You also have to really work your obliques, I mean really work the hell out of them. Here's the perfect exercise for that. Lie flat on your back with knees bent slightly wider than your hips. If you have really fat hips, you're either going to have to really stretch your knees like in a cartoon, like The Elastic Man from India, or just skip this exercise. In fact, if you have really fat hips, just skip playing golf, nobody wants to see you out on the course.

Now, you slim-hipped people reach your hands to the ceiling like you're crying out for the Lord Jesus Christ to spare you from your miserable existence. You can hold light hand-weights, or not. What do I care? Lift your head and chest toward the ceiling and rotate to reach both hands just outside of your fat, right knee. Repeat on the left side. Now, take a breather. Ask Christ for forgiveness.

• Breathing exercises: Breathing properly and deeply is critical, especially for those tense moments on the course when normally you would start crying.
This deep-breathing exercise involves attending your local adult movie house, or calling up one of those sites on your Internet browser. Follow your instincts. It's either that or follow mine, and then you're looking at jail time.
• Horizontal abduction/adduction: I can't give you much help here, because I always get "horizontal" confused with "vertical," and I have no idea what adduction is. Who came up with that word, anyway? It's a stupid word and should be eliminated from the English language, if it's even English.

• Standing hip rotation: Don't do this. It makes you look like a girl.

• Alcohol fitness: How many times have you lost $2 Nassaus because while you were getting hamboned, your playing partners were just holding up that bottle of Jack Black pretending to drink?

Well, no need to waste good liquor. You can still drink and maintain your competitive edge. You just need to build up a tolerance. Stand upright in a dark closet, with a wide stance, and suck it down. Keep drinking until your wife leaves you.

• Aerobics: Ha! Don't make me laugh. This is golf!

• Putting: Don't bother to practice putting. Putting in golf is overrated. I play golf maybe 200 times a year and I've yet to meet anyone who can putt. You either make it or you don't. If you miss, just keep putting until the ball goes in the hole. Simple.

• Seniors: As we age, our bodies react differently, so seniors must prepare for golf differently than young punks. An important thing to remember is that there is an inverse relationship of increased ear hair to laughably short drives off the tee.

So keep those ear hairs trim and neat. If you're proud of your thick mane of ear hair, don't sweat it. If you're short off the tee, you're probably small in other areas, and I think you know what I'm talking about.

• Excuses: A healthy psychological outlook is a must for Better Golf. If you can convince yourself that the snap hook you hit into the weeds over there is not your doing at all, you'll retain the confidence needed to excel in the game.

The first time you smack one of your all-too-typical lousy shots, turn to your playing partner and snarl," "Will you stop that!" Look at him, looking all hurt and everything. Who would have thought golf fitness could be so much fun?

• Torque development in the downswing: This is so important, I can barely contain myself. This is vital to any golfer who has ever wanted to improve his score. You could even say it is absolutely critical in terms of reaching your full potential as a golfer and knowing what it is to be truly human.

• Alignment and posture: Face the target squarely and stand erect, with your rump jutting out slightly. Feels a little silly, doesn't it? Can you think of another situation in life where you would position yourself in such an odd manner? I can't.

Sifford to be Honored MGWA National Awards Dinner

Charlie Sifford, the first African-American to play the PGA Tour and the first black golfer to be enshrined at the World Golf Hall of Fame, will be recognized for his career achievements by the Metropolitan Golf Writers Association at their 57th National Awards Dinner on Monday, June 23, 2008 at the Westchester Marriott in Tarrytown, N.Y. Sifford will receive the Gold Tee Award, the MGWA's highest honor.
Sifford is credited with breaking down golf's "Caucasian only" rule more than four decades ago. In 1961, at age 39, he earned his PGA player card. Sifford had won the United Golf Association's National Negro Open six times, including five consecutive titles from 1952-56, and in 1967 he became the first African-American to win a Tour event when he shot a 64 in the final round of the Greater Hartford Open. His only other PGA Tour victory came at the 1969 Los Angeles Open. In 1975, Sifford, one of the original members of the Champions Tour, captured the PGA Seniors' championship. In 1980, he also registered a win at the Suntree Classic in Melbourne, Australia.
Tiger Woods said of Sifford: "The pain, suffering and sacrifice experienced by Mr. Sifford in being a lonely pioneer for black golfers on the PGA Tour will never be forgotten by me. His success and personal conduct will provide a blueprint and inspiration for myself and other aspiring black tour players."

Sifford joins a group of distinguished individuals who have received the Gold Tee Award. The list includes Bobby Jones, Ben Hogan, Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, Gary Player, Byron Nelson, Sam Snead, Patty Berg, Nancy Lopez, Annika Sorenstam, Bob Hope and President Gerald R. Ford.

The MGWA's National Awards Dinner is the largest (and longest running) golf dinner held annually in the U.S. All of golf's governing bodies actively support the dinner - the USGA, PGA of America, LPGA, PGA Tour and Champions Tour - and some 700 industry leaders and local golfers attend. Proceeds from the dinner are distributed to the Metropolitan (New York) area caddie scholarship programs and the MGA Foundation. More than $900,000 has been raised over the years for charitable endeavors.

For advance table and ticket sales reservations or additional information, call Ann Rold at 914/347-4653

Abbondandolo Continues Dominance at Lacrosse Homes Invitational

Junior Co-Captain Leads Saints Coming in Tied for Second

April 2, 2008

Loudonville, N.Y. - Junior co-captain Dan Abbondandolo fired a pair of 73 rounds finishing in second individually at the Lacrosse Homes Collegiate Invitational held over the weekend in Graysonville, Md. As a team, the Saints finished 16th in a highly competitive 19 team field.

Abbondandolo, who won the Lonnie Barton Memorial Invitational three weeks earlier in Savannah, Ga. with a two round total of 143, nearly matched that performance shooting an impressive 146 for the two days in Maryland. Loyola's Michael Mulieri edged Abbondandolo to capture the individual crown finishing two strokes better at 144.

Freshman Don DeNyse III who had an equally impressive fall campaign, was the Saints other notable competitor, coming in a tie for 19th place overall with rounds of 74 and 79 respectively.

For the weekend, Siena shot a two round score of 636. Longwood University won the event, firing a score of 598, narrowly edging second place Liberty by just two strokes.

The Saints return to action the weekend of April 12 for the two-day Lafayette Spring Invitational in Center Valley, Pa.

Team Results 1.) Longwood 598 2.) Liberty 600 3.) UNC-Greensboro 602 4.) Loyola 609 5.) James Madison 614 6.) Army 617 7.) Georgetown 619 8.) Cornell 622 9.) Navy 624 10.) St. Bonaventure 625 11.) Towson 626 T12.) Boston College 628 T12.) Rutgers 628 T14.) Yale 632 T14.) Brown 632 16.) SIENA 636 17.) St. Joseph's 642 18.) Drexel 644 19.) Long Island 657

Siena Competitors T2.) Dan Abbondandolo 73-73 (146) T19.) Don DeNyse III 74-79 (153) T73.) James Gifford 82-81 (163) 95.) Chris Haggerty 91-83 (174) 99.) Matt Lentner 99-104 (203)